I caught the tail-end of Diners last night. We eavesdrop on the conversations between couples seated in a restaurant, switching from one conversation to another. A little like being a waiter, I should imagine. Last night's couples were:

A bloke about to propose to his girlfriend

Two transvestite prostitutes

Roland Rivron and Paul Ross

Two effeminate actorrrrs who perform charity work in prisons
You can probably work out which couples had the following conversations. Now swap them round - much more fun.

"What are you doing down there? Get up! Everyone's staring at us!"
"Will you marry me?"

"What sort of cocks do you like? Big ones? Small ones?"
"It's not the size. You know, there are some cocks that are just ugly."
"Mmm. I had one the other day. It was huge. It looked like a banana tree."
"What, with leaves?"
"Yeah. What? No, you know."

"So, who do you think is funny?"
"Pete and Dud, they were really funny."
"How about John Thompson?"
"No. He used to be, but not now."
"Simon Day?"
"On a good day."
"Steve Coogan?"
"No."
"Vic and Bob?"
"Bob."

"I've said this before, you've heard me say it every time we go down to see those poor men behind bars, but they are experiencing Shakespeare the way it is designed to be - not as words on the page - but through the lugholes"
"Yes," [tears welling up, thumps chest repeatedly] "from here."

"Me and your dad was watching the game. Hyypia scored with a lovely header from ten yards..."
"Yeah?"
"And with the adrenaline, I said to your dad, 'I'm going to ask your daughter to marry me.' "
"Oh, that's lovely."
"And he said, 'I'm sure she'll be delighted.' "
"Aaaw."

"The image I'm going for is sophisticated bohemian, rather than your blowsy tart look."
"Personally, I wouldn't wear what you've got on. It suits you, though."
"You wouldn't wear it?"
"No."
"I should hope not."

"What about female comedians? Dawn? Jennifer?"
"No."
"Kathy Burke? She's funny."
"Yes, she's funny."
"And sexy. Funny and sexy. I bet she'd be great in the sack. I'd love to do her. Did you ever do her?"
"Er, no."

"Some of these men, they've never been given a chance, you know."
"Yes, it just shows that inside every one of us is a child."
"Watching that black chap the other day, well, I just, I mean he really came out of himself."

"I can't believe this. You want to marry me?"
"Yeah."
"But why would you want to marry me?"
"I love you. You mean the world to me."
"Oh, it's so romantic"

"Some of my punters, you know, actually want me to fuck them. I tell them I'm not into that."
"Me neither. I do have a strap-on that I use sometimes. Means I can carry on reading my magazine."