Hmm... I could get to like watching sport. First it was the Commonwealth Games, and now the World European Athletics Championships in Barcelona Munich. [I just looked it up.] The Commonwealth Games certainly offered more in the way of eye candy. Those divers! Those perfectly triangular bodies! Those skimpy Speedos! But a deltoid and a bicep, a hot groin and a tricep, makes me - whooo! - shake, makes me wanna take Charles Atlas by the...!

And then there were the gymnasts, muscles knotted, shuddering, straining to hold unlikely positions, faces contorted in painpleasureagony. I don't want no dissension, just dynamic tension, I'm a muscle fan.

Sadly, the Barcelona event has none of these. But it does have the sprinters, and the BBC's fetishistic full-frontal slow-motion replays. The miracle shorts the runners wear - tight, yet loose enough to allow for motion. Pendulous motion. A-flop-flop-flop-flop. The material so thin you can tell the runner's nationality. Shorts. And sports. I'll be sniffing bits of rayon before you can say "Ah, I get it now!"

There's a whole week of this lined up. In just seven days. Oh baby...!"